Empty hallways, cafeterias and computer labs. Enveloped in solitary depression. Enjoyment or Pain? A gooner, deprived of hope and meaningful life. Above the buildings, I stand. Raising my head, awaiting epiphany, wanting suffering to end. I broke my neck. Struggling to breath. I mustered thy will, released thy legs.
Falling through wind, like silk embracing skin. Epic sensation, awaiting unravelling, enlightenment, and meaningful afterlife attainment.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Silence
Nestled amidst a buzzing cafeteria, detached from reality.
Playing songs repeatedly. Two girls harping along. Their happiness and enthusiasm in overdrive apparently. My presence unfelt. My mind races along as I nod to their stories inattentively. Glancing around, feeling so foreign and unwanted.
In silence, I had a parallel universe. I doused my mind with feigned fantasies of perceived happiness and beautiful memories. I stand and walk, my mind veering about sad thoughts. Remorse. Faded. Neglected. It sounds crazy, i want to inflict pain, the same pain that i feel, excruciating numbing sensation, you never knew.
Hooked on being emotional, like a drug, some part of me enjoys this solitary depression. Another part of me wants to go out and meet new people. One part wants me to push you away, while another just wants to just forget. While here I am, undecided. What is this.
Silence.
Biting. Chilling Silence. A mask shielding emotions and traumas, heartbreaks and misery, boredom and lethargy.
Playing songs repeatedly. Two girls harping along. Their happiness and enthusiasm in overdrive apparently. My presence unfelt. My mind races along as I nod to their stories inattentively. Glancing around, feeling so foreign and unwanted.
In silence, I had a parallel universe. I doused my mind with feigned fantasies of perceived happiness and beautiful memories. I stand and walk, my mind veering about sad thoughts. Remorse. Faded. Neglected. It sounds crazy, i want to inflict pain, the same pain that i feel, excruciating numbing sensation, you never knew.
Hooked on being emotional, like a drug, some part of me enjoys this solitary depression. Another part of me wants to go out and meet new people. One part wants me to push you away, while another just wants to just forget. While here I am, undecided. What is this.
Silence.
Biting. Chilling Silence. A mask shielding emotions and traumas, heartbreaks and misery, boredom and lethargy.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Numbness
having material contentment, the occasional exquisite petit dejeuner' and fine raw assortments of japanese connoisseurs, on the social front, many people to talk to about my problems, yet there lies a void. I don't think its spiritual, but the ever feeling of being emotionally spent. running about trying to solve others' problems, pleasing others, but feeling neglected myself. Racing against the clock to finish assignments while trying relentlessly to keep up with the friends. 9As SPM results yet numbed, without sense of excitement or great achievement. Life with its transient pleasures leave no excitement, but a lingering numbness. Numbness from running a life to the whims and demands of everyone around me, be it lecturers, parents or friends. As I write, I struggle to scheme, plot, a journey away from the trite, for a future of better fulfilment.
Numbness. A feeling of tiredness, a lack of enthusiasm with life.
Longing for freedom, from this treacherous system of material advancement, wanna live a life of self fulfilment, a sense of achievement and not the trite routine of materialism - ie getting an employment and chasing material goods. However, grounded in practical realism, I must shelve thy wants temporarily and follow the hordes in their competition to scale the height of material success. I want a decent business where I call the shots and not take bullshit from anyone else. I wanna scale the African deserts, I wanna take a journey to the far unknown, live a life of adventure and dynamism, charity, never mind the potential lack of money , for the current trappings of this trite material life, with its treacherous politics and spiritual void is unyielding.
Aside with the books, unfruitful partners and friends, disappointments, just for awhile. Now, I shall drive, drive and drive till the fuel runs out. and make ends meet - till - my lady luck runs out.