Epiphany

Empty hallways, cafeterias and computer labs. Enveloped in solitary depression. Enjoyment or Pain? A gooner, deprived of hope and meaningful life. Above the buildings, I stand. Raising my head, awaiting epiphany, wanting suffering to end. I broke my neck. Struggling to breath. I mustered thy will, released thy legs.

Falling through wind, like silk embracing skin. Epic sensation, awaiting unravelling, enlightenment, and meaningful afterlife attainment.

Silence

Nestled amidst a buzzing cafeteria, detached from reality.

Playing songs repeatedly. Two girls harping along. Their happiness and enthusiasm in overdrive apparently. My presence unfelt. My mind races along as I nod to their stories inattentively. Glancing around, feeling so foreign and unwanted.

In silence, I had a parallel universe. I doused my mind with feigned fantasies of perceived happiness and beautiful memories. I stand and walk, my mind veering about sad thoughts. Remorse. Faded. Neglected. It sounds crazy, i want to inflict pain, the same pain that i feel, excruciating numbing sensation, you never knew.

Hooked on being emotional, like a drug, some part of me enjoys this solitary depression. Another part of me wants to go out and meet new people. One part wants me to push you away, while another just wants to just forget. While here I am, undecided. What is this.

Silence.

Biting. Chilling Silence. A mask shielding emotions and traumas, heartbreaks and misery, boredom and lethargy.

Numbness

having material contentment, the occasional exquisite petit dejeuner' and fine raw assortments of japanese connoisseurs, on the social front, many people to talk to about my problems, yet there lies a void. I don't think its spiritual, but the ever feeling of being emotionally spent. running about trying to solve others' problems, pleasing others, but feeling neglected myself. Racing against the clock to finish assignments while trying relentlessly to keep up with the friends. 9As SPM results yet numbed, without sense of excitement or great achievement. Life with its transient pleasures leave no excitement, but a lingering numbness. Numbness from running a life to the whims and demands of everyone around me, be it lecturers, parents or friends. As I write, I struggle to scheme,  plot, a journey away from the trite, for a future of better fulfilment.

Numbness. A feeling of tiredness, a lack of enthusiasm with life.

Longing for freedom, from this treacherous system of material advancement, wanna live a life of self fulfilment, a sense of achievement and not the trite routine of materialism - ie getting an employment and chasing material goods. However, grounded in practical realism, I must shelve thy wants temporarily and follow the hordes in their competition to scale the height of material success. I want a decent business where I call the shots and not take bullshit from anyone else. I wanna scale the African deserts, I wanna take a journey to the far unknown, live a life of adventure and dynamism, charity, never mind the potential lack of money , for the current trappings of this trite material life, with its treacherous politics and spiritual void is unyielding. 

Aside with the books, unfruitful partners and friends, disappointments, just for awhile. Now, I shall drive, drive and drive till the fuel runs out. and make ends meet - till - my lady luck runs out.

Its two years since i last blogged, i decided to bury the hatchet with my ex. From today on this will be my personal memoirs, my Zen sanctuary to unravel my frustrated nerves.

Its been some time since i got spooked. Its an experience i told no one.

The wind was strong as it gushed through my windows, with it the windows flung open , it was the sound of screeching the eerie howl of a dog. I snagged my Android phone, wanting to record the sound (what? xD it could be useful for science project you know) I press *record* *record* it doesn't work. it's like my phone screen froze or lagged. I stood up to look out the window.

It was most spooky, trees swaying in the winds, its awkward silhouette evoking uncanny/scary feelings down my belly. My room is suspended 6 floors in the air, overlooking a road intersection along the main road. By my window, I blinked once, 2 am on a Saturday, two cars collided instantly with its damage fatal.

It was blood gory and traumatic. In other words, it was Resident Evil 2 the movie.

I blinked again, the same eerie howl blarred, this time not from outside, but..... automatically from my phone. Except.... it didn't sound like a dog this time... it sounded like....

I found myself awake the next morning, didn't hear any ambulance, no blood stains on the road.....

Countless accidents. I swear there's something not right with that intersection in front of my house.... What happened? Did i pass out to heavily? I don't know..